Thursday, July 07, 2005

Baby Blues

It’s been six weeks since Nitzan was born. It has taken me this long to write about it. Not just because I don’t have the time or am too tired to think. I haven’t written about it till now since it has taken me this long to accept that it did not go quite as I had hoped. I went into this thinking that third time around I would have no problems. Yes Tamuz was a c-section and Avigail needed the help of the suction to come out but this time I would push and there he would be.
I keep thinking I shouldn’t have taken the epidural. Maybe I would have been able to push better. It went so quickly I should have been able to handle the pain. But I couldn’t. And I have to admit I was scared. I don’t know why and of what but something got to me, and all I could think was “make this stop”.

I know its irrational and stupid but I feel as if I failed in some way. I have this wonderful little boy and he is fine and I am fine so everything is ok. I am getting over this and working my way through it. Soon I am sure I will stop feeling like this but until people stop asking how it went I keep coming back to the thought that it did not go as I wanted.

Maybe I should post cute pictures of the baby instead of my ramblings.