Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I've been busy

Life has been hectic. Work is crazy busy that I haven't been able to surf the net very much. I have checked some blogs and thank you to all of you have linked to me and I hope to create more links here soon.

On Thursday Yoram and I went to see Eran Zur in concert. It was a free show through Y's work and we went without much expectations. I was pleasantly surprised. I had this image of him being very melancholy. He turned out to be a real rock and roller and his lyrics are great. He sang one beautiful love song to his wife all about how he felt watching her nurse their son - I was practically in tears.

The day before that we went out with my parents and siblings to celebrate various birthdays and anniversaries. All I can say is that going out with my parents is never boring. My brother is convinced that Kosher restaurants in Tel Aviv never have good service. This place convinced me that he might be right.

Monday we went to a wedding. Some guy from Y's work. I can't remember the last time I was in a place with so many badly dressed women. I thought it was just me but my friend B who was there agreed. When I told Tamuz we were going out that night, for the first time ever he asked that we not go out and that we cancel the babysitter. Everything was ok but it was relay hard for me to leave him since he usually is so easygoing about having a sitter. I think he just need some more time with Yoram. Maybe this weekend will help.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Why this country makes me depressed

International News Article | Reuters.com: "Sharon Avoids Indictment in Bribery Scandal"
The ruling party in this country acts like they are above the law, and you know what - it has just become official that they are.

I know I should do more to try and change this. Since I started reading and posting on feminist boards, first Ms. and now the Phoenix and other offshoots, I have felt a need to be more active. That along with Yoram talking about leaving Israel. I am not ready to give up yet so I have to work to make things better. Right?
I have called MachsomWatch and asked to volunteer. So far the one time they called I couldn't go but through Roni I met another women who is active with them so maybe I will be able to real join them.
On Saturday Roni introduced me to a couple who live in Arara, an Arab village not far from here. They are very active in various co-existence groups and promised to call and invite me to some of their activities. Maybe I will actually get off my butt...
Maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Hanging in there...

So instead of this arriving this morning Yoram phoned from Mexico to say that he will be a day late. As much as I love my children I have to admit that I was looking forward to having another adult around. Really, I do miss him. His flight home was cancelled but at least he managed to arrange a new flight via NY. Lucky devil.

I spoke with N at work today and as upset with me as he was/is we had a good conversation and we discussed how to avoid this in the future. I know part of the screwup was mine but at least he knows that it wasn't all my fault and he is definitely ready to give me a chance to redeem myself with the next similar project. I know what I did wrong (not that I will admit that in public) so hopefully it will all work out better in the future.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Mad as Hell

I finally got my shit together to take the kids to the embassy and get their passports and that fucking idiot who claims to be the president of the united states declares tomorrow a day of morning and the fucking embassy is closed.
AAAAAAAAAARGH!
Too tired to say more.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Can I do this?

I think I want to. Before Yoram went away I told myself I would blog everyday while he was away and then it would become habit and easy to do. Well it hasn't happened. I'm tired, or I go out.
Nobody is reading this yet. Who am I doing this for.
I read Flea's blog and am brought to tears. She tells her story so wonderfully that you want to keep reading. I want to be her friend. I want my kids to play with hers.

My week so far has been kind of bad. I screwed up at work and was berated by my boss, N, over the phone on Sunday. He is away and I feel like something is hanging over me while in the office. My other boss A has been wonderful. Trying to understand what went wrong and encouraging me that it will be ok next time. I will learn and there is an opportunity coming up soon for me to prove myself. I am worried that I will screw up again. I am losing confidence in myself, and I really like this job.

I wish Yoram was home....

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Weekend

And as Rahel (aka Yahewe) wrote, she, Vev, the kids and I went here last night.

Body Image

I don’t remember spending much time while growing up thinking about my body or what I looked like. I wasn’t particularly fat or thin. As teenagers, my sister A was the fat one and I was the skinny one. I could write about what labeling us like that did to her and to our sisterly relationship but not today. Today I am writing about my relationship with my body.
I have always loved to eat. The last time I comfortably wore a bikini in public was when I was in the army – about 20 yrs old. I even have a photo to prove it.
After Tamuz was born I went to Weight Watchers. I can’t blame the pregnancy for all the weight I had gained. I had definitely put on a lot even before. Still, when I got married as was about a size 10-12 (that’s American sizes. In Israeli sizes about 42). I lost about 4-5 kg. The initial motivation was A and E’s wedding. About two months into the program I discovered I was pregnant. No point in dieting I told myself.
When Avigail was about a month or two old I decided to try Weight Watchers again. Over a period of about 10 months I lost over 15 kg (over 33 lbs). I also lost my enjoyment of food, my interest in sex, and general positive outlook and my confidence in myself. It took me another two years to put 2 + 2 together.
I got compliments everywhere I went from everyone I know. I thought I was happy but my marriage was suffering and for the first time in my life I sought professional help. When I thought about where I was in life the only significant achievement I had made was losing weight. I had no job. Any women could have a baby – no great effort there.
The only thing I was getting complimented on was how I looked. I didn’t think I could do more than have babies and not eat.

The last year or so has been one of the best I can recall. I am more in love with my husband than I was when we got married. I have two kids that I love more than life. I even have a job that I enjoy.
Over the last two years I have gained most of the weight back. I don’t recall exactly when I decided that I had had enough. I don’t want to think about everything I put in my mouth. I try to eat healthy, for myself, and so that my kids will have healthy eating habits. OTOH, I enjoy eating. I love chocolate, and ice cream, and cheese. I try to convince myself that the reason I get frustrated every morning is that I can’t afford to by clothes that fit me now. If I could still fit into my pants I wouldn’t care that I have gained weight.
I have been reading websites like FatSo! and articles on body image. 50 years ago I wouldn’t have been considered overweight. By today’s beauty standards I am ugly and fat. I work everyday to convince myself otherwiswe. I have never been discriminated against because of my looks, or even had nasty remarks made at me by total strangers like some of the women whose stories I have read. However, not a day goes by without someone commenting on my weight.
I have asked my mother to stop.
I have asked my partner to stop.
I am healthy, I exercise, I can keep up with my children and my body is ready to carry more when we decide to have another.
Dieting was in my opinion, the worst thin I ever did for my mental health. I will do everything in my power not to go there again.

Fuck It Diet

Fuck It Diet

I read this awhile back and I think it is briliant. Not so much the wasting food part but the idea that if you don't think about it so much you end up eating better. I'm giving it a try.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

More good news!

Haaretz - Israel News: "Hundreds attend third annual Gay Pride parade in Jerusalem "

My brother

My brother is two years and three months younger than me. He is turning 33 this month. 90%of the time I am very proud of him, he does all kind of things that he believes in and really does try to make the world a better place. He is also talented and bright. This is the website he created
  • Maarav
  • . Sorry its mostly in Hebrew.
    When I think of all he has done I am jealous - that's the other 10%. Sorry Roni, that's just the way it is, but I will always love you.

  • Wednesday, June 02, 2004

    Good Feminist News

    Haaretz - Israel News: "Court: Women's teams must get 150% more money than men's

    By Yuval Yoaz, Haaretz Correspondent

    The High Court of Justice set affirmative action precedent Wednesday, ruling that local authorities must provide women's sports teams with budgets that are 150 percent higher than municipal men's teams receive.

    The High Court obligated the Ramat Hasharon local council, together with all local councils that fund local sports teams, to adopt Ministry of Science and Sport criteria saying women's teams must receive additional funds to further affirmative action.".


    Well maybe there is hope for this country after all. Feminism and women's rights usually take such a backseat here that it will be amazing if this actually happens.

    I asked Machsom Watch to put me on the mailing list. Since they go out on weekdays I can't participate at the moment but at least I will know what they are doing and maybe join every once in awhile. I feel like I need to do something besides complain about the shitty government and the scary situation and I need to get out there and do something. OTOH, I can't go into the territories and visit the villages like my brother Roni does. First of all I am scared. Second, what if something would happen to me, there are two kids to think of. I want to live here. For some reason that I can't always articulate I do love this country. Yoram says he is ready to leave. I'm not. It's that simple. I want to stay here so I have to make it better.

    Tuesday, June 01, 2004

    Hey, it works

    OK, I am starting to get the hang of this. I actually posted some links and since Yoram (aka Mr. March) is away for another twelve days I may actually blog some more soon.

    Second try

    So I started this over a month ago and haven't blogged since. Do I really want to do this? Will anybody want to read this? I read Flea's blog obsessively - mostly since she is funny and it is well written. I read Yahewe's since I want to know what's going on with her. I read AO's and Emilin's and Portia's when I have time and because I want my Ms/Phoenix community to exist even when there are no threads that I feel like participating in. I want to believe that these great women would be interested in reading something I wrote. I also want to write. I have been saying this but I haven't been doing it. I guess this is my chance to ramble. Once I put this out there I will have to think more about what it is that I am writing but for now, I just HAVE TO WRITE.